Afterwards, mimicking the all-male sex act, I crashed and found that I was still trapped in the same anatomy. For women, the eroticization of the pre-sex process prepared their bodies for possible penetration. After that, I contracted a horrible case of oral thrush and the pain was severe. Death was preferable to denying my feelings. And at the near height of the AIDS crisis, like male youths in tribal cultures, who had to endure some sort of physical torment or trial in order to join the community of men, I was willing to suffer anything in the process; even to die. Friends recommended various home-brew enemas using water and baking soda. Only, to seek medical help once it was almost too late. And, despite the mythology of the power-bottom, this initiation required endurance, and pain, but also submission.
For awhile, I was unknowingly infected with a chlamydia infection of the throat — my only symptoms a low fever and a sore throat that I thought was a persistent lingering cold. For the boys who had grown up in that era, idolizing the glistening armpits of The Village People, it was a return to a golden-age of sexual freedom. The mystery of AIDS has always haunted me, even to this day. For this cause a man shall leave his father and mother; and shall cleave to his wife. My quest for acceptance, love, and manhood remained entirely and hopelessly incomplete. Over the loud music I could slightly make-out a muffled question. Yet, the more they rejected and taunted me, the more I wanted to belong. However, a lessening of the positional stratification takes place with advancing age; whereby former bottoms, with a battered and tired buttock, become tops when they grow older. It was simultaneously disconcerting and intoxicating, bringing back to the forefront long buried memories of the all-male environs I had been permanently banished from entering. We accompany each other to doctor visits and continually send get well cards and have healing Masses said for one another. My life was streaming out from both ends. He handed me a condom and a plastic ketchup pack of lube. In gay male culture we required strident rules; even drag queens were only considered admirably successful if they could pass for the opposite sex. The pre-macho boys were typically the best at playing kick-ball and inevitably turn out to be recess and PE team captains. Before the cataclysmic trauma of AIDS, what Wittman offered was an honest assessment of gay male sexuality, particularly its predilections and its limitations. The combustion in heterosexual sex often ignites from the dichotomy between male and female and in how the seemingly incongruous perfectly join and become one. I broke out in a rash. No one ever wanted me on their team. There, I woke up in my old bedroom, surrounded by a few incidental memories from childhood. If the all-important use of a condom during anal sex easily got lost in the euphoria of sex, so did the recommended application of the correct lubricant. Sometimes, I thought this eternal enfolding comprised the resolution of death. In a sense, they are a constant reminder of who I was and what God saved me from. I walked outside and became immediately submerged in a thick layer of San Francisco fog. Another surgery would follow; then another. Some heterosexual males privately confided that they were enthralled with the idea of the immediate, available, even anonymous, sex a bathhouse offered, if they could only find women who would agree.
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